


Somebody to Love

by Daisy_Morgan



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Episode: s04e22 Sweet Revenge, Established Relationship, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Me and thee, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s04e22 Sweet Revenge, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-16 21:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21278117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisy_Morgan/pseuds/Daisy_Morgan
Summary: Just how strong is their bond?





	Somebody to Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the monthly story prompt for November 2019. The prompt was a list of 70s song titles for us to choose from.

Starsky sat in the chair beside Hutch and held his hand. He was thinking about the things he said the first time Hutch was shot. Referring to Meredith as his “partner.” Telling Hutch, “my partner’s already been filled in.” Gushing how he’d be happy to have Meredith as a temporary partner again “the next time my partner gets shot.”

He winced hard at that last one. Christ, how he wished he could take them all back now. Especially that one. He had meant it as a joke.

“You knew that, right Hutch? It was a joke, but I wish I never said it. You’re the only partner I’ll ever want. I didn’t mean it, it was just a stupid joke!” He was getting angry at himself now.

They never really talked about it afterwards. He said his goodbyes to Meredith and that was that. They were back to the same old Starsky and Hutch, me and thee, and all that. At least most of the time. Until THAT time, anyway. The time when Hutch did something that Starsky never thought he would do. Hutch had listened to him confide that he was in love with Kira, and then he rushed out the door to go over and sleep with her.

No, that wasn’t fair, because that’s not exactly what happened, is it? Starsky realized that he was starting to channel his anger towards his partner now. He needed to stop that. He needed to be positive. For Hutch.

Besides, they had been over it before, poured their hearts out to each other, made amends, decided that no woman would ever come between them again. Realized that their friendship (platonic, at the time) was more important than sex (or love) with any woman could ever be.

It was only later that Starsky found out that Hutch had been in love with him when the whole Kira thing went down.

Because everything changed when Starsky was shot.

While recovering for weeks in the hospital, Starsky had lots of time to think about what Hutch had told him when he returned from San Francisco after arresting Gunther.

Hutch had told him how he had sat by Starsky’s beside for hours after he was shot, sitting on the other side of the tubes and machines that were keeping Starsky alive, unable to bring himself to touch him, unable to make himself speak, not knowing why, but feeling powerless over his own actions. Feeling powerless about everything. Crying only in the bathroom, alone.

Hutch always needed to be in control and when Starsky lay in that coma, dying, Hutch could do nothing to stop it. Sure, he could investigate who ordered the hit and make sure that justice was served before they killed him too. But he couldn’t control whether Starsky lived or died. At least, he assumed he couldn’t.

But he was wrong.

“You kept me alive, babe. You made me live.”

When Starsky’s heart stopped and the doctors were just about to give up, Hutch had come running through the double doors. And that’s when Starsky’s heart started beating again.

But why did his heart stop when it did? He thought about that during those long weeks of recovery. And he realized it happened after Hutch had left the hospital to check on a lead. And even before that, he had sat silent in Starsky’s room, unable to touch him, unable to speak, unknowingly causing Starsky to think that Hutch was dead, killed by the same goons who had shot Starsky.

Starsky was in a coma, but somehow, he had been able to sense that Hutch wasn’t there. And if he thought Hutch was gone, then he didn’t want to live anymore.

Hadn’t he said as much when Hutch was missing during the botulism scare? Told Dobey that if Hutch died, he wouldn’t give a damn about anything. And so when Starsky lay dying in the hospital and couldn’t hear Hutch, or feel his touch, or sense his presence, or even smell his partner’s familiar warm-scented mixture of sweat and musky cologne, Starsky simply gave up and died. Until the doctors came and revived him. But that only happened because Hutch burst through those doors and came running towards him, and so Starsky willed himself to live. It was as simple as that.

But still, it wasn’t until Hutch spoke to him, said his name, that Starsky awoke from his coma.

Like sleeping beauty, only without the kiss.

And once Starsky realized why he had lived, it was a game-changer. It was because of Hutch.

Now he sat in Hutch's room thinking about it after his partner was shot for the second time, all the while squeezing his hand and stroking his face. “I’m here babe. Can you hear me? Can you give me a sign?”

During all those long hours spent recovering in the hospital, Starsky wondered: What if Hutch had kissed me the day I was shot? Kissed me when I was hooked up to all those machines and tubes? Would I have woken up then and there?

He had never thought about Hutch kissing him before, or him kissing Hutch, except that one time after John Blaine died when they had discussed it in Hutch’s car. But they were joking then, weren’t they? Starsky thought about it, tried to remember what Hutch had asked him. Tried to remember what his response had been.

He realized that Hutch had been feeling him out that day, trying to gauge what Starsky thought about John Blaine being gay. He realized that Hutch had been holding something back. Something that, at the time, would have never occurred to Starsky.

But wasn’t it funny how almost dying can make you feel so differently about someone? Hell, not just about someone, but about your entire identity. Funny how almost dying can do that to a person. It can make you realize what’s most important in life. And it wasn’t what other people thought of you. What was important in life wasn’t what society’s expectations of you were and whether or not you lived up to them.

So what if cops weren’t supposed to be gay or bisexual or whatever they or anyone else wanted to label it? They were supposed to be macho and tough and straight. They were supposed to be married to wives who patiently waited for their husbands to return home late at night after a long day on the job saving the world.

Cops whose real marriage was to their partner. But not in THAT way. Never in THAT way.

And it didn’t matter if they took communal showers in the police locker room and stood close to each other while getting dressed. No, none of that mattered because they were married to women. They were straight. They loved their wives even if they preferred to spend most of their time with their male partners.

Screw that, Starsky thought, as he recovered from Gunther’s revenge in the hospital. Screw everybody who would judge us by who we love. Because the only fucking reason I’m alive is Hutch. I’d be good and dead if it wasn’t for his love and devotion for me and mine for him. So everybody else can just go to hell. I’ve been there already, and I don’t wanna stay there for the rest of my life, feeling like I’ve been banished to some sort of limbo. It would feel like prison.

Just then, Dobey came in the room and interrupted Starsky’s reverie. He put his hand on Starsky’s shoulder and asked “How are you doing, son?”

“How do you think I’m doin’, Cap’n?” was all Starsky could say in response.

And all the while, he never stopped holding Hutch’s hand, never stopped touching him, never stopped talking to him, except on those occasions when he had to leave the room to use the john.

He had lasted over 24 hours before finally dozing off. When he woke and realized he had been sleeping in the chair, he panicked, worried that Hutch was gone, having been unable to sense Starsky's presence. But as Starsky groggily became aware of his surroundings, he realized that: 1) Hutch was still breathing and 2) He was still holding Hutch’s hand.

After trying unsuccessfully to kick him out of the ICU, the nurses finally took pity on Starsky and brought him a comfortable easy chair along with a blanket and pillow. But he was still afraid to sleep. He would nod off from time to time but then he’d suddenly jerk awake, checking to see if Hutch was still alive, checking to see if his hand was still holding Hutch’s.

Hours passed. Nurses and doctors came and went, some whom Starsky had seen before, some not. He barely registered their presence. He only moved out of the way when they asked him to, and for as brief a time as possible. And he only let go of Hutch’s hand when he had to.

After three days of keeping a vigil, everyone was pleading with him to go home, take a shower, and get a decent night's sleep.

But Starsky refused. He didn’t dare leave Hutch’s hospital room for more than a few minutes. He wouldn’t dare leave the hospital, because he was terrified that Hutch would find himself alone and give up. And he didn’t mind if his smell was rank because Hutch was familiar with that smell. He needed Hutch to smell him, to feel him, to hear him. To know he was there.

And besides, the last place Starsky wanted to sleep was at home in bed. It would be too empty without Hutch. Starsky couldn't bear the thought.

Earlier, he had asked Huggy to bring him his Sony Walkman and a cassette. Huggy had gone to the house that Starsky shared with Hutch and retrieved them. It took him a while to find the cassette which was hidden behind a stack of records, since neither Starsky nor Hutch had listened to it in a couple of years.

Huggy had left and now Starsky was alone again with Hutch. “You’re my best friend, Hutch. You’re the best friend I got in the whole world. Can you hear me?” His tone was one of despair.

He pressed Play and sang along with the lyrics to keep himself awake. It was the song that was playing on the Walkman the first time they kissed.

_Ooh, you make me live._

It was so fucking ironic, thought Starsky, because Hutch had bought the Walkman and the “Queen Greatest Hits” cassette for Starsky when he was home recovering from his gunshot wounds after the Gunther ordeal. Walkmans had just come out that year and Hutch thought Starsky would enjoy listening to it while doing his physical therapy exercises.

Now their world had come full circle but in a topsy-turvy way, and he almost felt dizzy thinking about it.

_It's you you're all I see_

They were at Starsky’s place, that day in 1980, and he was sitting on the floor, propped up against the sofa, panting and sweating. He had been playing the tape while he did his exercises, but never pressed Stop when he finished. Hutch had walked over to him to see if he was okay.

“Hey, bring me an orange juice, partner?” Starsky asked, exhausted.

“Sure thing, buddy.”

Hutch kneeled beside Starsky and handed him the juice.

_Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had_

Starsky drank the juice and put the empty glass on the floor beside him. Hutch studied him, trying to gauge how he was feeling. “You sure you’re okay, Starsk?”

Starsky put his hand on his partner’s shoulder. “For the millionth time, Hutch, I’m sure.” And that’s when it happened. Hutch moved closer, Starsky leaned his head towards Hutch and suddenly they were kissing.

Starsky sat in the chair holding Hutch’s hand, remembering that first time they kissed, almost four years ago. When they pulled away from each other’s lips, it wasn’t a lovey-dovey scene like Starsky had imagined it might be. Instead, they fell to pieces laughing and giggling like little boys.

Then the next song came on, and they had made love right there on the floor while it played in the background. After they finally stopped laughing, that is. But all that giggling and chortling was making Starsky’s side hurt and he winced in pain.

“You okay?” Hutch asked for the gazillionth time since Starsky had been discharged from the hospital months earlier.

“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just a cramp,” Starsky assured him, smiling.

“Should we kiss again?” Hutch asked, trying to keep from laughing.

“Is there any reason we shouldn’t?” Starsky countered, but couldn’t stop himself from giggling like a schoolgirl being asked out by her first crush.

“Depends on you, buddy, if you’re feeling up to it,” Hutch said, serious now, concerned that Starsky might be too fatigued after his workout.

“Well, some parts of me are feeling up to it, apparently,” Starsky said, and they both fell to laughing again, and then Hutch pulled him close and pressed his lips against Starsky’s lips for the second time.

The clothes were a bit difficult to take off, given their positions sitting on the floor. Hutch removed his clothes first and then helped Starsky with his. “We look ridiculous,” Hutch said after assessing the situation, and the giddy laughing resumed. Then he grabbed some pillows from the couch, put them on the floor, and pushed Starsky down so that he rested his head comfortably against them, both of them giggling at the awkwardness of the situation they found themselves in.

“This okay?” asked Hutch, smiling. “Yeah,” Starsky replied, smiling back.

Getting serious again, they lay on the floor, naked, bodies pressed against each other, looking into each other’s eyes, gently touching each other’s faces.

_Can anybody find me somebody to love?_

“You ever done this before?” Starsky asked in between kisses, smiling shyly and stroking Hutch’s blond locks.

“Once in college” was Hutch’s reply after one of the kisses.

"Oh."

"You?"

“No, and I’m not exactly sure what to do, to be honest. I also don’t know what my body can handle right now.” Starsky frowned, looking worried.

Hutch put his hand against Starsky’s cheek and kissed his forehead. “Do you want to stop?”

“No,” said Starsky. “Do you?”

“No,” said Hutch, keeping his hand on Starsky’s cheek. “Here, why don’t we try doing this for now?” He took Starsky’s hand and guided it towards himself, moaning as he placed Starsky’s hand against his cock. Then he placed his own hand on Starsky’s cock. “Oh Jeez!” was Starsky’s response.

Hutch kissed Starsky again.

“I mean, how hard could this be, right?” Starsky asked while kissing Hutch back.

“Well, we’re both pretty hard, actually,” Hutch answered, and that started them laughing again.

=============

“Remember that day, babe? Remember how we laughed?” He squeezed Hutch’s hand.

  
_Find me somebody to love_

The song continuing to play in the background, they finally got serious and lay beside each other, heads pressed together, hands gripping each other, stroking up and down, grinding their torsos together, moaning, climaxing. Hutch periodically pausing to ask Starsky if he was okay, if he was comfortable, if he needed anything.

“I just need you, babe” was Starsky’s reply four years ago.

=============

“I just need you, babe, please. Can you feel me sitting beside you? Do you know I’m here?” Starsky implored now.

_Find me somebody to love_

Starsky stopped the tape. “Remember that day, Hutch, almost four years ago, when we made love for the first time to this song? And now that I’ve found somebody to love, I don’t want to find anyone else. Just you. I’ll be here, whenever you’re ready to come back to me. I’ll be here.”

As he spoke to Hutch, never letting go of his hand, tears started to well up in Starsky’s eyes. But he needed to keep talking. He needed Hutch to know he was still here.

“How many times did I think I had found someone to love? First Helen, then Terry. After Terry died, I thought I’d never love anyone again. But then along came Rosey. And I know that was a mistake, but it felt real at the time. Maybe I just wanted someone to fill the void that Terry left. And it was the same with Kira. I thought I loved her. I thought I had finally found someone to love. A woman who would take care of me, who I could marry and raise a family with.

But I was wrong about all of them, Hutch. You were right there in front of me all along and I never saw it until after I almost died. Do you think maybe I should thank Gunther for that? Because if his goons hadn’t almost killed me, I might never have realized that you were that someone.”

He rewound the tape and played the previous song again.

_You're my best friend_   
_Ooh, you make me live_

Starsky never stopped talking to Hutch, singing to him, holding his hand, squeezing his arm, caressing his face, stroking his matted blond hair.

He talked to Hutch about Terry, about how he had wanted to give up after she died, and how Hutch had pulled him back from the abyss. He asked Hutch if he remembered when Starsky told him about it when Hutch was faking amnesia.

He wished to God that Hutch was faking his condition now.

He talked about that time on the school playground, and how he had loved watching him play basketball with Terry's kids. How he was such a natural with them.

“Did I ever tell you that, babe? About how much I love how you are with kids? Hey, wouldn’t it be somethin’ if you and I had kids someday? We already have experience helping to raise teenagers. By the way, they came by earlier today, Molly and Kiko. They've been here every day. We just don’t know much about babies. But hey, maybe we could adopt an older kid? Bypass all that changin’ diapers and spittin’ up and stuff? What do you say Hutch, how ‘bout it?”

He touched Hutch's shoulder and squeezed. More tears welled up in Starsky’s eyes, making it hard for him to see.

Then he rewound and played the song again, singing along with it softly, purposefully singing off-key.

But Hutch didn’t offer a sarcastic remark about Starsky’s singing ability. “Come on Hutch, aren’t you gonna say something about my singing, huh?” He hung his head, despondent. “That’s okay babe, you just need more time. It’s okay.”

He paused the tape again. “I’m sorry it took me so long to understand that you were the one all along. How many years had we known each other before Gunther’s men tried to take me out, how many years were you secretly in love with me?”

He resumed the song:

_You're my sunshine and I want you to know_   
_I really love you_

The line about sunshine sparked a memory. Starsky pressed Pause again and reminded Hutch of the time they were trapped in the Italian restaurant with the two mob hitmen.

“You had the weight of the world on your shoulders that night. You had to try to keep me alive while figuring out a solution to the jam we were in. You know you were my white knight, my hero? You’ll always be my hero, blintz.

Did I ever tell you I didn’t mean what I said that night? When I carped on you, grumbling that ‘You’re a regular shaft of sunlight,’ you know that I didn’t mean it?

Because in all seriousness, Hutch, you really are my sunshine.”

Keeping the Walkman paused, Starsky sang softly to Hutch, in tune this time, _“You’re my sunshine, and I want you to know, my feelings are true, I really love you.”_

Just then, Huggy walked into the room. “How’s he doin’?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“Hey, Hug, could you do me a favor and get me some coffee and maybe a doughnut or somethin’? I need the caffeine and sugar to keep me awake.”

“Sure, Starsky, but what you really need is a shower and some mouthwash. Hope you’re not offended if I don’t want to stand too close. You sure you don’t want to go home for an hour? I’ll stay here with Mr. Sunshine.”

“You know I can’t leave him, Hug,” Starsky said solemnly. “But I’ll understand if you don’t want to stick around and join me for dinner.”

“I’m surprised you’re even hungry, Starsky. Dobey hasn’t eaten anything in three days except coffee, same as when you were shot.”

“I’m not, but I gotta keep up my energy. Don’t wanna fall asleep,” Starsky said somberly, yawning and willing himself to stay awake.

Huggy was more than happy to leave the room and head for more pleasant-smelling pastures. He went down to the hospital cafeteria to get the coffee and doughnut, but before he had even left the room, Starsky was already thinking about Hutch again.

\--------------

Starsky consumed the food Huggy had brought him, not tasting it, and in between bites he told Hutch “I’ll wait here for you babe, for as long as it takes, until you’re ready to come back to me. And once you’re better and I can take you home and tuck you in, I’m gonna cook for you, just like you cooked for me. I’m gonna scramble up some eggs and learn how to make health food shakes and veal piccata and blueberry pie. Whatever it takes, partner. And then you and I are gonna live to the ripe old age of 147. Come on, whadda ya say?”

He pressed Play and continued the song.

He pressed Pause.

“I’m sorry I ghosted you that time I was seeing Rosey. You asked me to lunch and I said no. Were you in love with me then, Hutch? Or when I shot Emily and felt so guilty after that I wanted to wallow in my own pain. I didn’t want to feel better. You understood that but you weren’t happy about it. For three days you tried to call me, but I didn’t answer the phone. I knew it was you, I never doubted it. But I wanted to be unhappy, I wanted to suffer. Then you tried to give me a pep talk and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted you to leave so I could suffer some more. I’m sorry if I made you suffer too.

When did you first realize you were in love with me, Hutch? You never told me just when it was that you knew. And for some reason, I never thought to ask.”

He pressed Play again.

Starsky thought about Lonny Craig and George Prudholm. “Did I ever thank you for coming to the zoo that day, Hutch? I know you know I was grateful, but did I ever say the words aloud? I know it wasn’t necessary, but still, did I ever say them? If it wasn’t for you, I might have killed Prudholm. I don’t just mean if you hadn’t followed me to the zoo. What I mean is, if you weren’t in my life at all, would I have had the strength to put my gun down and cuff him like I did? I’ve never wanted to admit it until now, but I don’t think I would be the same man I am today, if it wasn’t for you bein’ in my life. So thank you, partner, for being there for me, always. And just so you know, I’m going to be here for you until you wake up. And then I’m going to be here for the rest of our lives, for as long as they may be.”

Play.

Pause.

“I was both surprised and touched when you climbed into my hospital bed, baseball jacket, shoes and all. And there we were, under the covers, and I didn’t know at the time that you had feelings for me. And I didn’t know that I had feelings for you.

We’ve had almost four amazing years together since then, but I just want to tell you, that you’ve always been my only one, even before I realized how much I loved you, even before I knew how much you loved me.

I act ignorant so we can play that game where you pretend to have superior knowledge. I used to secretly love the attention you gave me. Of course I still do, but it’s not so secret anymore. And I really do love all the things you do, blue eyes. Like how you talk to the plants. And go on your little rants. Hey, that rhymes!”

The tears started welling up again. “Hey Hutch, I just said something corny. You’re supposed to roll your eyes now. Come on, Hutch. Roll your eyes. Show me those beautiful blue eyes of yours, dammit!” he pleaded, voice rising with anger and despair. Then he immediately felt bad about getting angry and started stroking Hutch’s face. “I’m sorry babe, it’s okay. You’re not ready yet, it’s okay, babe.”

Crying, he fumbled for the Play button and played the last part of the song:

_Oh, you're my best friend_

The tears were streaming down Starsky’s face now, making it hard for him to see them dripping onto the thin blanket covering his ailing partner.

The doctors had told him three days ago that Hutch was going to die. Can you believe that? Starsky didn’t. No sirree. When the tables were turned, Starsky had come back to Hutch. And he’d be damned if the same thing wasn’t going to happen this time.

Hutch would come back to him. He knew it. Could feel it in his gut. They would see. Hutch would prove them wrong, just like Starsky had proved them wrong four years ago.

Starsky just needed to keep talking to him, just needed to keep touching him, even if that meant he had to stay awake and in this room forever. Even if that meant pissing in a bedpan so he wouldn’t have to leave to go down the hallway to the men’s room.

He thought about kissing Hutch, his sleeping beauty. Maybe a kiss would do the trick. But the tubes coming out of Hutch’s nose and mouth made kissing him impossible.

Starsky leaned over to get closer, running his fingers through Hutch’s matted blond hair. Sobbing loudly now, he didn’t see his tears dripping onto Hutch’s cheek. Through the blurry haze, he also didn’t see Hutch’s beautiful blue eyes open for the first time since he had been shot.

But he unmistakably felt something squeezing his hand.

-The End-

**Author's Note:**

> **You’re My Best Friend, by Queen**   
_Music and lyrics by John Deacon_   
**   
[Hear the song on YouTube](https://youtu.be/HaZpZQG2z10)   
**   
**Somebody to Love, by Queen**   
_Music and lyrics by Freddie Mercury_   
[Hear the song on YouTube](https://youtu.be/kijpcUv-b8M)   



End file.
